my computer is healed!!

once and for all, my computer is well again! i'm so excited. there shall be no more problems. this is a good start to the school year.


i can't believe i'm leaving tomorrow. sometimes i can't believe i'm doing this. i'm going to miss the bay area. i've realized - how many of us really left california? i mean, so many people stayed here. nor cal, so cal, it's all still california, even if they're so different. sometimes i wonder if i shouldn't have just stayed here. but then i know i'd tell myself i need to try something new. simply because i have to. if i don't, i know i'll bother myself about it. or i'll never do it.

(ps - song of the moment is Hard Candy by the counting crows. go listen to it. it's awesome. if you need it, i can send it to you.)

anyway, i'm going to miss this place. not my house, exactly, because i really need to get out of here. and honestly, i was thinking about it today, and i'm not regretting at all the fact that this is the last time i'll really live at home. my parents' home, i mean. sure, i'll miss it later, but just being home with them for a week and having them drive me absolutely nuts just proves to me that i'm ready to go. to grow up. to move on to the next step.

but that doesn't change the way i feel about the bay area. this place will always be my home. aside from sc, i've never lived anywhere else, really, beyond a month or so. and the people i care about are mostly here. so to leave all this and possibly not be back until december, or even later... that's a little scary. i'm sure i'll like dc once i get used to it, but it's just not going to be the same. but then, would i want it to be the same? a part of me wishes i could stay and go to school here. man, a really good college in sf would be perfect. but that doesn't really exist. i confess to vaguely considering a couple of the schools up there when i was looking at transferring (sf state i think it is has a great film school...), but i couldn't bring myself to do it, much as i love it up here. and i wouldn't want to go to stanford, and cal doesn't let you transfer until junior year.

so i'm switching coasts. i'm leaving my beloved bay area for... who knows how long? possibly a year, or even 2. i'm sure i'll be home at intervals, but never for more than a few weeks, most likely. but think about it - i might not be home at thanksgiving this year. we might be going to europe for christmas break this winter. so it seems rather silly to fly home and then turn around and fly all the way back to europe. though maybe i'll be home for the first part of break and then we'll go. or go for the first part of break and then come home for the later part. and then i'm back on the east coast until my birthday/spring break, when i'm planning to go to europe for a week to see kaki and willa and diana. and then i'm back in dc. and maybe i'll go home for 5 days for easter break at the end of march. is it even worth it for that short a time? and then no breaks for the rest of the year.

and then what? come home for a week after school's out? or go straight to new york and work at tribeca for two months? and then go straight to france? or come home for a week and go back to france from there? and then it's rather pointless to come home after working all of july in paris, and then go back for the school year at the end of august. so i guess i'll just stay there for a month. who knows what i'll do... anyone want to come join me for a month to travel? haha

and then what? stay there for a school year. kaki says they say not to go home for winter break b/c of finals and stuff, so what do i do? stay? maybe come home for a week for spring break? and then school's out and i was planning to go to greece for a month, though maybe i could do that for that month before school starts the previous fall. so maybe i'll come home that may so i can work and make movies and take classes back here in the bay area. (and then i'd have to get someplace else to live, because after two years away, i'd probably flip having to live with my parents...) unless i go back to tribeca or something else on the east coast. wow. scary. that's such a long time. can i do this?

it's not as if i have to make these decisions now, but it's rather daunting if i think about it. i mean, will all my friends forget about me? hahaha ;-) but if you don't see people for two years, things change, don't they?

and what about the a's? i know you people mock me, but i love them. it's not just a game - it's a way of life. and how can i just up and leave them for two years? i'm going to miss them so much.

i need to stop thinking about all this. just be excited.